Our problem as human beings is quite simple.
We often identify ourselves as the only species able to reason. We think of this as a wonderful gift. But another way of looking at it is that we are the only species capable of
un-being.
Animals, plants and dirt just ARE. They go about their existence growing, or eating grass or other animals, or just sitting there with the rest of the decaying forest floor getting wet when it rains or lowering in temperature when it freezes.
All of these species react how they react in relationship with what is around them. If they could talk and you asked them who they are, they would give the same divine response that Moses heard on the mountain: I AM.
We humans, on the other hand…
Have the ability to un-be. We can take the I AM that we are at the core and decide that we’d rather answer I AM NOT!
“There are so many things to be, ‘I AM’ really doesn’t seem all that interesting, especially if it means that I have to accept my connectedness to those OTHER people and things that I AM NOT. To build the success I’ve seen other people build, I’m better able to manage a controlled, secure and safe life by distinguishing myself, separate from THEM. As a human, I can do exactly that.”
And I do.
So what does my I AM NOT look like today?
I spent time with my family today at the baptism of a niece who just turned 8 years old. As I no longer attend church or pay tithing, I was unable to participate in the circle of family members that confirmed my niece by placing their hands on her head while my brother pronounced a blessing.
The beauty of Mormonism is that you enjoy comradery with others that share your same set of exact beliefs. It feels warm and safe and comfortable. You feel special and part of a “peculiar people” because you are distinct and separate from everyone else. You’ve taken on special commitments through sacred ceremonies that set you apart from those who are not under the same covenant obligations. Everyone dresses nice for church. Mormons are generally successful, hard working, and have beautiful, well cared for houses of worship with an abundance of income and savings to care for them. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?
I AM NOT the “rebellious” son who has caused tears and dashed other family members’ dreams of being together forever in heaven.
I AM.
I AM NOT different from them and that’s why I wore my freshly laundered shirt and best suit with polished shoes to the baptism today.
I AM.
I AM NOT the one whose behaviour has resulted in the stress, anxiety and awkwardness of hundreds of people that I know and love because my decisions insult the view of the world that they KNOW to be true.
I AM.
There’s a part of me that needs to die. Maybe today is the day for me to finally let go of that part of me. Dying hurts, and what’s next is uncertain and complicated…or perhaps its not. I can take a lesson from the Animals, or plants, or frozen dirt or the divine voice on the mountain and just BE. It’s in me. It’s in us.
It's In Us 